I Am Love

I am love. Three simple words to change the course of a moment. A day. A life. A destiny. I am love. 

I was reminded, again, of this truth as I woke this morning. I laid in bed, reciting mantras that I had written in times past, a subconscious attempt to restart my souls vision and clarity. I did not wake thinking, “Okay, Kaitlin, start with gratitude, then move onto your high-vibe mantras, and complete the trifecta with a meditation.” While this was often my ritual for how to begin each day, it was not intentional today. It just happened. 

The week preceding this morning was in many ways a certifiable “shit show”, though to most this would come as a surprise. Cool as a cucumber on the outside, baby, as I had been trained to be in both subtle and overt ways. There is nothing like police training to ingrain outer calm in the face of chaos, be it external or internal. I experienced countless moments of high highs last week, which was then proceeded by a Category 4 internal hurricane that uncontrollably raged within me, causing all too familiar damage and an emotional wreckage in its wake. The moments of quiet challenge grew into day long stretches that were filled with constant doubt, second-guessing, fear (oh so much fear), and a righteous self-judgment and guilt that would have any Catholic impressed.

I amaze myself when these moments happen. Not so much that they happen still, but that I am surprised anew when they happen. Haven’t I learned by now that that these waves, these storms, are very much a part of my humanness? No. The simple, obvious answer is no. And so perhaps it is time for me to make a t-shirt as a reminder to myself moving forward. It would read, “Stormin’ through life: (insert year)”.

This morning felt different. I cannot tell you how or why. It just did. Something electric was in the air around me, but it felt peaceful. Like an arrival that I had been waiting for, asking for. Yesterday was the New Moon in Pisces. The universal energy felt as if it were moving at light speed and yet not at all. It was like a perpetual groundhog’s day, but with my shadow, which is the last choice my ego would make to repeat day-after-day. And perhaps that is why it is/was so. 

The repeating shadow offer us the opportunity to heal and release these areas, these parts of us, that still hold shame, judgment, and fear. We carousel in circles of shadow until the moment we decide to get off the freaking platform- sometimes gracefully and sometimes in a last-ditch effort that results in us having tattered limbs and a toothless smile. The experience of how long we stay on that spiraling carousel platform is ours, vomiting and nausea are optional… And yes, some of us may even choose to strap ourselves in tighter to the hard plastic pony beneath us in an attempt to stabilize, which is 100% guaranteed to bruise one’s taint the longer one stays seated.

What I have yet to mention is that I was woken twice during the night by Owl calls. It isn’t often that Owl perches in the nearby oak, so when they come I pay attention. My body, my Soul felt the connection to Spirit and received some message, half conscious and half dreaming in the wee hours of the morning. 

Owl sees in the dark. She has razor sharp perception and sees through the bullshit. She has impeccable hearing and a knowing that is unwavering, no matter how one tries to shake it. Steady, clear in truth and wisdom. She hunts at night, seeking out her food sources in the shadows to sustain, to nourish herself. She is revered and also feared, for she can see what most cannot. She awakens us to see in the darkness.

I could feel Her medicine in my body as I recited my mantras and slowly stirred underneath my covers. A steady, clear and grounded knowing hummed within the cells of my body. Gratitude and relief ripples accompanied those moments as I breathed into a much different feeling state. The first mantra that came to my heartmind, “I am Love."

I seamlessly moved from mantra to meditation and carried over the truth, “I am love.” I wove those three words, this single truth, through each one of my chakras, one after the other. I began at my crown and moved my way down to throat and heart, noticing a few blockages that needed loving removal along the way. I continued weaving it through my solar plexus, my power center, and down into my naval and root chakra. “I am Love.” 

My body and Soul lifted and began to shimmer within. The remembering, my remembering, expanded and I began to feel joy. A smile softly emerged on my face and I imagined weaving the truth back up along my power centers. “I am Love”. Roots of connection emerged from my body and anchored into the earth. I breathed in sacred connection with Her, remembering too our oneness. We are Love.

After an unknown amount of time passed, I gently opened my eyes to see the sky ablaze and peaking through my cracked blinds. Vivid colors of pinks and reds painted across the horizon welcoming the emerging day. I took a moments pause in disbelief and awe. The beauty outside connected to a place deep inside me that had longed, needed, to see, to feel, to experience such beauty. 

Inspired and compelled, I got out of bed and walked to my living room to get a better view. I opened the blinds and took in the magnificence and beauty that simple was. It was stunning. Truly stunning. My heart and Soul delighted in a way I hadn’t felt in weeks. Here it was. My remembering, my awakening, my reconnection. 

Rain began to pitter-patter on the roof above my gleeful body. “Rain too?!” Replenishment and renewal cascaded down from the Heavens as the fiery morning sunrise brought renewed life to my Soul. 

The magic continued this morning as a beefy spider nearly set up basecamp on my hand. A reminder that I, we, are the weavers of our life and this earth. Create, weave with intention and love. Co-create a life that aligns with your desires, wishes, and Soul’s longing. It is never too late and there is always choice. 

Lightning cracks and waves of thunder roll by as I sip my morning coffee and begin to write. My heart delights, eyes brighten in awe and adventure, and I think, “The storm is finally here.” There is something within me that dances with jubilee upon its arrival. My mind can’t make sense of it, yet there is more truth to this experience than the arithmetic truths my mind knows. 

The storm is finally here. With the storm comes life. Comes renewal. Comes electricity. Comes thundering truths. And comes the Awakening. Storms rouse us from our metaphorical and literal slumber to experience the magic and possibility that is. For the last week, I had been carousing in soul slumber and was awakened anew this morning. First by Owl the seer in the dark, then by the electric sky and beauty inspired. Next I was awakened by the arriving storm, the cracks of lightning and rumble of thunder and finally by Spider, the master weaver of life. All were and are reminders to Awaken back to the truth of who I am and why I am here: I am Love. 

So, dear ones, isn’t it full circle that the storm that once filled me with such surprise and angst is the very thing that reawakened me and set my soul free?